Letting go of “should” statements: Reframing critical self-talk
As a therapist, I hear it all the time, those “should” statements that slip into conversations with such ease they seem invisible at first. “I should be doing more.” “I shouldn’t feel like this.” “I should have it all figured out by now.” These words may sound harmless, even motivational, but they often carry a weight that burdens rather than inspires.
The truth is, I see this not only in my clients but also in myself. Those sneaky “shoulds” have a way of creeping into my inner dialogue, whispering about expectations, comparison, and unmet ideals. Over the years, I’ve learned to catch myself when I start thinking in “shoulds” and gently reframe them into something more compassionate and open. For example, replacing “I should have finished this by now” with “I’m doing my best with the resources I have available to me and I’m working on it”.
This practice of letting go of rigid “shoulds” is something I explore often in therapy. It’s not just about language; it’s about uncovering the implicit messages we’ve internalised from childhood, culture, or life experiences. These messages can shape the way we see ourselves and the world, often in ways that create unnecessary guilt or pressure. Let’s dive deeper into why “should” statements can be so toxic,and how we can reframe them to create a kinder, more accepting relationship with ourselves.
Where our “shoulds” originate from
At its core, a “should” is a rule we’ve absorbed somewhere along the way. It might stem from family dynamics, societal norms, or even well-meaning advice. For example:
“I should always put others first.” Perhaps you grew up in a household where selflessness was equated with love or approval.
“I should be ‘successful’ by now.” Society often equates worth with academic or work-related achievement, placing pressure to hit milestones at arbitrary ages. This message could also be internalised by well-meaning praise from adults when you were a child.
“I shouldn’t feel upset, it’s not that bad.” Many of us were taught, explicitly or implicitly, that expressing emotion was “weak” or “selfish.” We may have internalised the message that our feelings were “too much” or not acceptable.
While these “rules” may have served a purpose at some point, they often become internalised as inflexible truths, especially if they are rooted in early childhood before we developed our ability to rationalise as a grown-up. Over time, they can lead to feelings of shame, frustration, or inadequacy when life doesn’t align with these expectations.
The harmful effects of "should" statements
When we use “should” statements, we set ourselves up for an internal conflict between our current reality and an idealised version of how things ought to be. This can result in:
Guilt and shame: “I should be over this by now” implies that feeling pain or struggling is somehow a failure.
Increased stress: Constantly chasing unrealistic expectations creates chronic pressure.
Emotional invalidation: Telling yourself “I shouldn’t feel this way” dismisses your genuine emotional experience.
Perfectionism: “Should” statements often fuel an unrelenting pursuit of perfection, leaving no room for self-compassion or mistakes.
The irony is that these “shoulds,” intended to motivate us, often do the opposite. Instead of encouraging growth or change, they leave us stuck in a cycle of self-criticism.
Reframing "should": A path to self-compassion
The good news is that we can change our inner dialogue. By recognising and reframing “should” statements, we can replace rigidity with kindness and pressure with possibility. Here are some common “shoulds” I encounter, and how we can reframe them.
1. “I shouldn’t feel this way because others have it worse.”
Reframe: “My feelings are valid, no matter what others are going through.”
It’s tempting to minimise your emotions by comparing them to someone else’s struggles. While empathy for others is valuable, it doesn’t invalidate your own feelings. People may go through the same life event and have completely different emotional experiences. These differences could be due to many factors including genetics, physiology and our past emotional experiences.
Pain isn’t a competition. Acknowledging and accepting your emotions is the first step toward healing.
2. “I shouldn’t feel this way because I have material or financial security.”
Reframe: "Difficult feelings are a part of the human condition - regardless of my financial situation."
Material or financial security doesn’t shield you from life’s ups and downs. Although having financial security may reduce some stress in one area of your life, it doesn't get rid of very real difficulties or struggles you may have in others.
It’s okay to experience sadness, upset or frustration, even when you have things to be grateful for.
3. “I should exercise more and lose weight.”
Reframe: “I can focus on moving and feeding my body in ways that feel good and nourishing.”
Health is not a moral obligation, nor is it one-size-fits-all. Shifting the focus from punishment or obligation to self-care and joy can transform how you approach movement and nourishment. Think about how you can nourish yourself to feel your best on the inside (not just how you look on the outside).
Your worth isn’t tied to how you look or how much you achieve.
4. “I should put other people’s needs first.”
Reframe: “My needs are just as important as anyone else’s.”
Although it’s important that relationships are balanced, many of us have been taught that prioritising our needs in any way is selfish. In reality, taking care of your own needs allows you to show up for others in a sustainable, authentic way.
Self-compassion isn’t just kind, it’s necessary.
5. “I should practice mindfulness, yoga or self-care more.”
Reframe: “Self-care is helpful, but it can look different every day, and that’s okay.”
Self-care doesn’t have to mean ticking off a checklist of activities or adding to an already overloaded to-do list. It’s about listening to what you need in the moment, whether that’s rest, connection, or simply being present. There’s no “right” way to do it.
6. “I should have it all figured out by now.”
Reframe: “It’s okay to be a work in progress, life is about growth, not perfection.”
There’s no timeline for figuring things out. Life is full of twists, turns, and surprises. Instead of focusing on where you think you “should” be, celebrate the steps you’re taking and the lessons you’re learning along the way.
7. “I should be happy.”
Reframe: “I accept what I’m feeling right now. Emotions come and go.”
Happiness isn’t a permanent state, it ebbs and flows like all emotions. Pressuring yourself to feel happy all the time can actually add stress and make you feel worse. Allowing yourself to experience a full range of emotions creates space for growth, self-compassion and authenticity.
Practicing awareness and kindness
Reframing “should” statements starts with awareness. The next time you catch yourself using a “should,” pause and ask:
Where is this belief coming from?
Is it helping me, or is it creating unnecessary pressure?
How can I reframe this into something more compassionate and empowering?
It’s not about banishing “shoulds” entirely, they’re part of being human. Instead, it’s about approaching them with curiosity and flexibility. Over time, this practice can help you build a kinder relationship with yourself.
Final thoughts: Letting go of “shoulds”, inviting in a new way of being
Letting go of “shoulds” isn’t about lowering your standards or avoiding growth, it’s about creating space for self-compassion, flexibility, and authenticity. When we release the weight of rigid expectations, we make room for the things that truly matter: connection, joy, and a deeper understanding of ourselves.
So, the next time you catch yourself saying, “I should…,” take a moment. Breathe. Reflect. And consider what might happen if you replaced it with something that feels more compassionate. What new possibilities could you invite in? What kindness could you show yourself? The answers, I promise, are worth exploring.
